I guess I’m going to Arizona. They have a really good cancer hospital and they are willing to see me. They are flying me out on February 25th, 2020. I will be there for two to three days. I have heard they have helped a lot of people and my friend’s friend is one of them. Her mom even went there and they were on board with what her doctor was wanting to do for her. I just pray with all I have that they can help me. I have been in my head. I was questioning my faith because I’m just so done with this shit. I need someone to help me. I have to now travel to another state to see if they can help me. I have a couple of other places I still want to check out but this is where I feel like I need to start. I just feel like all the treatments I did were a waste of time and damage to my body but, then I think that without those treatments I have been through, which was A LOT, that I might not be at the stage I’m at now. It could have gotten worse so it probably wasn’t just for nothing and I am grateful for that. I’m so nervous that they will say they can’t help me after all. I mean, if they didn’t think so, would they be having me fly out there? I hope not. They have been really good so far. They are paying my way and helping me get out there. They have a lot to offer their patients and they seem to work with you. They are also fast-acting. I called them and they answered right away. They then started on everything to get me out there and look, I’m flying out in just a few days. I guess you have to when you have cancer. they even had someone who had gotten treatment there call me to tell me out her experience with them and how they helped her. It’s just insane and crazy. I do have a good feeling like this is what I have to do next. My anxiety and emotions are all over the place. The only time I flew on a plane was when I was 12 and it was to Arizona. I hope that’s a good sign. I don’t know what’s in store for me now but I know it’s life. I know that I will find what I need to heal me from this disease and to again have my life back. I’m scared, worried, angry, anxious, kinda excited and full of, I’m not going down that easy. I will win like I keep saying. I have too much to live for and my time is not up. Arizona here I come.
-Lady Kitsune

I don’t even know where to begin. I am so beyond pissed off. AGAIN…AGAIN the treatment didn’t “FULLY” work? WHY!!!!! I just want to scream my FING HEAD OFF. I keep going and keep doing what I’m supposed to do but it’s never enough. I’m back to square one. I had a really good appointment just before that gave me hope and this last appointment turned that feeling down real quick. I just want this to be over with. Oh, and the worst part is that my doctor said that there isn’t anything else I can take right now that’s for cervical cancer. I still have cancer. It’s still in the cervix which grew a little bit AND some in one lymph node. To me, it looks like the treatment started working but then stopped and that’s why it’s not in the other lymph nodes anymore. He didn’t specify that’s what happened but to me, it seems like it. At this point, I am just so done and so pissed off. I just want my damn life back. Why are other women beating this but not me? It’s been a year now. I know that it can take time but my doctor gave me no hope this last visit and wants me to do a treatment that’s not for cervical cancer that might help? I don’t fing think so. I am going to look at other places for help now, which he also suggested so that’s a great feeling from your CANCER doctor. Enough is ENOUGH. I have had it, I am done. I’m beating this nasty F****ing disease, even if I have to go somewhere else.

-Lady Kitsune

Happy New Year. I can’t believe its been a year since finding out about my cancer. It’s definitely been some year, hasn’t it? I am happy to still be here. I have been through so much this past year and can’t believe how fast it went by. It’s crazy but it’s not over yet. Before I started chemo this time around I had a port put in. After the procedure, I got this really bad rash that went all the way up to my chin and down to my right breast on my right side where I had the port out in. I had no idea what it was then realized it was a reaction to the iodine they used to sterilize the area. That’s when I found out I am allergic to iodine medicine. At this point, I’m just waiting for it to heal before I have chemo again. The rash was going away slowly but surly but it was hurting really badly. I asked the doctor and told him everything but he didn’t seem concerned at the time so I was just dealing with it. I had a feeling something was wrong but I have already been through so much that I just trusted my doctor that it was normal and didn’t go with my gut. Always go with your gut. I should know this by now, right? I just didn’t want anymore to be wrong. I just wanted to get through this too and be okay so I just overlooked things. well, I didn’t even get to use my port. I had my first round of chemo and they didn’t want to use it because of the rash I had. A couple of days after that I was laying in bed at night and I started to shiver out of nowhere. I was fine all day then at 12 am I started to shiver. I thought I was just cold and was really tired so I just went to sleep. Then I woke up around 2:30 am and I was still shivering and I had a bad feeling so I woke my husband and we checked my temp and I had a 103 temp. I was kinda freaking out. I said to my husband that I need to go to the ER. So we woke my mom up and told her what was happening to let her know we had to leave. I was shivering so bad I could barely get dressed or walk. I was scared, I was worried because I didn’t know why I was sick out of nowhere. I just wanted to be okay again. The hospital checked me in right away because I just had chemo a couple of days ago and now I’m shivering and have a high temp. They kept asking me what I thought other then the port could be causing this like if I had any open sores or cuts because we didn’t want it to be the port, I just had it put in and I didn’t even get to use it. I said I think it’s my port and sure enough it was. I got a staph infection from it and I had to get it taken out. So after a five day stay, with having to break a fever three different times and a bunch of tests, antibiotics and the removal of the port I was finally able to go home. It was rough staying in the hospital for almost a week. My kids wondering where I was and if I’m okay. I missed out on taking my oldest daughter to a concert that we had planned. I was depressed in there. I also had chemo a few days prior and so my hair started to come out which made things worse. I just kept thinking I can do this and I will be home soon. This also delayed my second treatment of chemo for two weeks which wasn’t good because you know, I need it to save my life. I remember looking out the window, down at the people on the streets walking and the cars driving by and thinking I wish that was me. I felt like I was in prison. I felt trapped. All I could do was walk around the hall which I did when I could so that I could stay active and prevent blood clots and heal faster so I could leave. I was only supposed to be in there for two days but two days turned into five and it felt like for eternity. I felt like I was never going to get to go home. I was stuck in this bed, sick and losing my hair. I just felt so helpless. I am so grateful to all the doctors and nurses. I had the best team right there by my side to make sure I did get to go home. The nurses took great care of me. They made me feel better about being there and they really helped me through the whole process. My husband stayed most nights and my mom one night. When the doctor came in and told me I could go home I was over the moon. I had a nice view at least. I also got to see a big full rainbow that gave me hope right after I had just prayed to God. when I was in the car driving home, I just felt happy and I felt like one of those people that I saw outside my window. I was able to get back on track with my chemo and move on. I pray there are no more setbacks. I need to keep moving on.

-Lady Kitsune

well…here we go again. It’s just chemo right now. I have to do three different types of chemo. Once every three weeks for 18 weeks. So far so good. I had my first dose of that cocktail and no not the good one. The mission is to get me to go into remission. No cure but its better than nothing. I will have many years left if this works. There is other treatments out there but for now, this is what I have to do. I’ll do anything and everything so….Let’s GO. I’m down. I will no matter what beat this in anyway I can. I know remission means that it will most likely come back but could be years from now and by than you never know what will come out. I felt like my life was over all over again but I know it’s not. I have other options. I even got a second opinion and she said, I’m in this time of day and age and there are other things to do and people are coming out with more and more stuff so it’s not over. I never really thought my life was over because I want to live so bad that I’m going to do what it takes to live. I have Jesus the healer inside of me and he will heal me. I have to keep pushing. I am going to live as normal as I can. I’m going to work out if I can and eat better. I am going to get out and go places when I can. I have been afraid for so long but I need to get out and live. It’s the best way to do it. I love my family so much and they are really what keeps me going. I love my life and I am going to keep it. So for now, I’m going to keep going and live. I will do the treatments and one day, I will ring that bell that says I kicked cancers ass. I can breath for now. Later is always a different story and I know how mine will end.

-Lady Kitsune

So…it didn’t work, well not all the way? The treatment didn’t kill the cancer and it didn’t cure me. I can’t explain how I fell because I don’t know how I feel. I have too many emotions about all this. I feel angry, I guess more than anything. I will not let this nasty disease get me. I can’t let it. I need to live. I’m in my head freaking out one minute than the next I am still here. One minute I’m dead and the next I’m alive and well. I feel like I have an expiration date. I know I don’t but it still feels like it. I’m more devastated for my family. I can’t leave them. They really need me. We just go too well together. Is that why this is happening to us? Because we are meant to be. I feel like there is a reason this happened and I want to know why. It’s like okay, I got cancer, so let me beat it and live on. I’ll tell my story and I’ll raise awareness, I’ll do what you want. Just let me beat this. When we first heard the bad news for the second time, I didn’t really cry. I was just in disbelief. Like are you kidding me. Well, here we go again. I’m back to square A. My husband cried more than I did. When I got home and told my mom, I cried. I just, have to win. I don’t want to cry over this anymore. I need to stay strong. I know this is very serious and this is my life but me making it out to almost be not a big deal right now is what helps me cope and deal with it. I have to treat is as a regular sickness for now, so I don’t go to that dark and depressing place. That, I guess is my way of coping with it? I feel like a burden. All of our money is going to this. I feel like just stopping it all and dying sometimes. I don’t wan’t to put my family through this anymore. I look at them and I feel bad that they have to deal with this too. But than I look at them and I see them and how they need me. Yes, eventually they would be okay without me but they will always need me. Especially my girls, they need me the most. Out of everyone I know and who knows my girls, I wanted them the most. I asked god for them. I had my first daughter in high school and yes, I asked for her. I felt alone in this world and no one could make me happy. Than I got pregnant and I felt happy. I felt like I had a purpose. I knew I wanted to be a mommy from a young age. Then, when I got with my husband, there were a couple of times where I was trying to get pregnant and when that test came back negative, I was heartbroken every single time. I cried sometimes. I really wanted an other baby. Then, when I gave up, I finally become pregnant again. I was so happy. That’s all I ever wanted to be was a mommy. I wanted more kids but this F***ing disease took that from me. I wanted my kids more than anyone on earth and now this disease is trying to take that from me. NO, NO I won’t have it dammit. I have a whole family that won’t have it. You can’t have me. I keep asking, why does it have to be cancer. There is a lot of other diseases out there but you want to give me cancer? No one want’s a disease but I would rather have a different one than this one. My husband asked me, “how do you stay so positive all the time”. I said, “Because I have faith, I can’t let this get to me”. I do have my moments. I get in my head sometimes and wan’t to freak out, but I don’t want to cry anymore over this. At least not right now. I will never give into this disease. I’m a Warrior Princess and I will win and become a Warrior Queen.

-Lady Kitsune

Life after treatment has been…hard. I still think “what if”. I still look at the stuff I have and think, okay I have two girls so they can use it. My husband built me an all pink computer and bought pink accessories for it because I love pink and wanted a pink computer, and I was looking at it and I thought to myself, at least my daughter can have it if anything happens. It was just an automatic thought. My family keeps telling me to stop saying “what if” but I just cant help it. That’s the way I think now. I thought this way ever since I found out about my cancer. I am so thankful to still be here and so thankful to my family and friends who have been by my side. I am so thankful to all my doctors, nurses and everyone who was involved in my treatment. I still have a long road ahead of me and I just know that things could change in a blink of an eye. Right now, I’m just trying to get back to where I was but I fell like it wont happen. I feel like I will never be the same again. I don’t want cancer to define me but I will always be known as someone who has or had cancer. My body has been amazing and I have had just a couple of side affects so far. I don’t know if more will come as I go, but I will deal with it then. I am overwhelmed most days and all I want to do is just crawl up in a ball and be left alone. I have never been more depressed in my life. I feel sad and down. I have good moments too but it’s hard to feel happy. I am praying at my next appointment they tell me my tumor is gone. I feel like no matter what news I get I will still be down because, it can just come back. I could have to go through this again or worse and of course I will if I have to but it’s just discouraging. I feel like I need a break. I don’t take care of myself well enough and that’s part of the problem too. I need to work on a lot, especially with myself and I will. I just need time to get use to my new life after all this. I pray things get better and most of all I pray that I beat this and I don’t ever have to look back again.

-Lady kitsune

Well…. treatment went fine. I was full of emotions and worry. I did great during treatment I was told. Its been awhile since I posted and that’s because I just didn’t have the energy to and I still don’t have a lot of it. Treatment really kicked my butt. I was bed bound and I slept all day and night. I slept so much to the point of feeling I never want to sleep again but I couldn’t do anything about it because I was too tired to. I was depressed and down. I couldn’t help my kids or my family. I have never felt so helpless in my life even after my surgeries. I had two surgeries, chemo, external and internal radiation. My weight went up and down which when it was down, the doctors didn’t like that. I puked for the first couple of days after chemo, then after starting radiation and the last 3 weeks of my treatment for the chemo and external rad, I couldn’t keep anything down for those last three weeks. After the treatment stopped, it took a few days to be able to eat again and keep food down. My internal rad, I had no side affects from it. When I had my internal rad, I was heavily sedated and don’t remember much about during the treatment which the doctor said that would happen. I am actually happy about that, it made it much easier to deal with. My doctors made me feel so taken care of and important. I am so lucky to have gotten treated by the doctors I did. They really made everything all better. I still have a long way to go but I know I have the best on my side.

Until next time, Lady Kitsune.

It’s been really hard since finding out I have cervical cancer. Life changing hard. I have my ups and downs all day long. I will feel one minute I have this and I will make it than the next minute I’m freaking out and thinking that its the end for me. I think I don’t have time left in this world when that’s not the case. If this treatment doesn’t work I have other options for treatment and I know this but still, I think I have like days left. That’s not how this even goes. You always have treatment options to and I am so thankful I do. I feel depressed. I just keep looking at my kids and my husband and think how amazing they are and how I would miss them where ever I went. I would miss my parents and my siblings. I wouldn’t be happy without them. I believe in God and I believe you go to heaven when you pass over. They say you will have and feel peace when in heaven. For me, I know I would be sad and want to come back around my family. If God asked me if I wanted to go with him right now and have peace and not deal with all this pain and suffering and I wouldn’t have to deal with the worry and how the world is now with all the sick and hate anymore, I would say “thank you but no thank you. I want and need to be here for my family and not even my soul would be happy without them”. I am not ready. I know I am supposed to be here, I just feel it. I have gotten bad news after another With this cancer diagnosis. You have a mass, you have cervical cancer, It spread to a lymph node so you cure rate is 60% instead of the 90% like it was, you need surgery and a second surgery. I can’t catch a break. Today, I finally got one. My cancer didn’t spread anywhere else in my body. Once I heard that I couldn’t help but to just cry of joy, Finally some good news to tell. I still have cancer and I still have treatment to go through but after all the bad at least I have this. It’s in one general area that will be the only area that will be treated and I fell like I have this again. I didn’t feel bad about buying stuff for myself anymore. I feel I have my days left again. My life again even though my cure rate went down some. I still feel like I have this. When the doctor said there could be a chance it spread to other parts of my body, I had a thought for a split second that I just wanted to die. I wanted to give up and just to take me now but then I quickly thought no, Stop thinking this way. It’s not over and no matter, if it did, spread I was going to keep going and fight this head on until I was cured or until my last breath. That’s who I am. I am a survivor and I have my family but most of all God on my side and I have to be here. I have a good chance for a cure but if it did come back, I would fight again and again. I will never give up. I am too strong for that. I have my times of weakness and doubt but I know I will overcome this and be a survivor. I want to tell my story and raise awareness about this. I feel I am meant to put my journey out there for others. I am 29 years old and I have stage 3c cervical cancer. It can happen at a young age so please, go get checked. I say get checked every year if you can. I wish I would have, it would have been a different outcome for me. God Bless.

-Lady Kitsune

After you get sick, there is always a treatment plan even if it’s just a cold you still have to have a plan to get rest or go to the store and buy some relief medicine to get well. For me, it’s for my cancer. When you’re in the back room waiting for the doctor to come in, you have so many thoughts of what am I going to have to go through to be well again. It could be anything and looking on Dr. Google is of no help. All it does is make it worse or you don’t find what you were looking for. So he comes in and introduces himself to my husband and I then asks a few questions and you’re just like okay I have this. Then he starts talking about the treatment you will be having. I already knew some of it and as scary as it sounded I was okay, I thought “yes it sounds scary but there are others out there that did and do this so can I”. Well, Its definitely easier said than done. He tells me more in detail what I have to do and how it will affect me. I already have to go through a surgery, tomorrow, and now I have to go through another one a few weeks later. My treatment plan didn’t change, I just found out exactly what I was going to be doing and it’s hard to hear. I hear what he is saying and I get what he is saying because in my mind I’m thinking “oh crap, what” and I want to freak out but it’s like my mind or whatever it is won’t let me burst. At this point, I just want to go home and be with my family. It’s sad because we could at any time just go, you know, pass away and that scares me of course because I don’t only have my life to worry about, I also have my kids, husband and my family’s life to worry about too. I have to worry about my cancer coming back or getting a different type of cancer. I have to worry about my family getting sick. There is too much to worry about and I know I shouldn’t and just live life but how can I. I don’t want anything to happen to them. I see what I’m going through now and it’s terrifying and it could be worse than this too. I can’t imagine seeing a loved one going through this, feeling this way. Life is too precious and we seem to take it for granted. You just can’t do that. Anyway, so back to the treatment plan. It is very overwhelming and stressful. It’s really a lot to explain and half of it I don’t even know how to explain it. I have to have chemo and radiation but there are more details to it. I have to have surgery tomorrow to move my ovaries so that there is a chance they can save them and if not it can take years off my life. I have to have a second surgery to insert a sleeve inside for a part of my radiation treatment. My treatments are lengthy, up to 5 hours a day every day for a couple of months. I know I am young and my body should be able to handle it but I am still scared that it won’t. What if it does a lot of damage or even permanent damage. I will have to live with it but it’s not how you think your life will be like. I know shit happens and we have to get past it and move on and I will once this is all over but you never know what will happen but in the meantime, I’m stressed and full of anxiety. I have moments of weakness. Am I strong enough to do this? I wish I had more time but I don’t. I have to get this over with. I have to get past this. I know all this but like I said, it’s easier said than done.

-Lady Kitsune